the best of rbsblog 2008

check out that ol skool screen. going back to 98!!

this one STILL remains my favorite: STILL in love song

11.23.05 v.2

my first reaction to the blog i found online was horrifying. all i could see was the word KILLED. that simple. one word. over and over. i force myself to keep reading it in its entirity, but my eye kept going back to killed

KILLED

i killed someone. me. i know not with intention. but the cause of the word killed in the blog is me. me.

i killed.

what else runs through my head is the words “you’re gonna kill someone!” over and over in my head. sometimes it’s my mom saying it. sometimes it’s my dad. it’s mostly my dad. it started with my dad. whichever one says it, its so crystal clear in my head. i can hear their voices. it repeats in my head.

i want to cry right now. i want to cry as i’m writing this, but i can’t because i tell myself to remain strong. that is important to me – remaining strong. if i cry i will become irratic and uncontrolable. control my emotions. i do not like my emotions getting out of control.
i should cry now so that they will not get out of control, but writing about it has caused me to loose the desire.
let’s see what happens when i read it again.

i love the story in the blog. it reminds me of something i and/or members of my family would do, for our own laughter.

feelings looking at the picture of him:

he looks like a decent guy.
he looks like a guy i would say yes to if he asked me out to dinner.
he looks like a guy, if i was to see out, i would probably make my way around his circle. i know i would have loved his sense of humor.
i remember him laying on the ground. it’s still vivid in my mind. picture still clear. i know this will fade off when i’m ready. i’m not ready yet. there’s something comforting about the memory. something that somehow to me still keeps him alive.
that’s selfish. let him die.
allow him to die and i will be over it.
let go of the memory and i will get over it.
stare at the picture
look at the picture over and over again and i will get over it.

i like his glasses. i remember finding a piece of his glasses on the ground the day after, when i returned to the scene. i picked it up. i held it in my hands. i twirled it around. i knew it was his. i can’t tell you how. did i see them the night before? were they broken beside his body?
his blood was still in the street.
this happens for a reason.
i’m looking for the reason.
i thought about keeping it, just for me.
but i didnt want the memory
i didn’t want to keep the memory
i am keeping the memory now.

he has a slight lump under his right eye that pushes his lower lid upwards. i held the picture up next to my face. my scarred eye lid is on the top left eye. the opposite.
i remember looking for the other half of his glasses. i couldn’t find it. i can’t find it in the picture either.
he has such a smooth, round head. clear dark skin. nice trimmed facial hair.
i wonder if he was insecure about his eye like i am of mine? did he, too, see it in all pictures of himself?

he looks like he comes from middle class parents. probably a poor upbringing with more siblings than me.
i wonder how he felt about his nose? i think it is perfectly porportioned to his round face and cute cheekbones. he has a great smile! very warm and friendly. the gaze on his face is trusting and draws me in. a very handsome man.

he’s in a bar. i read that he’s an artist, a percussionist. i look at the positive side of this, but it hurts me to know i killed someone with so much talent. so much going for him. somebody artistic. i killed art. i killed a piece of it and all because i prefer to be in my own little world.
delusional
he looks healthy and fit. there is not a day that goes by that i do not wonder why he had a motorcycle instead of a car. he was 36. had he not gotten his life in order yet to afford a car or had he held onto a motorcycle like holding onto a piece of your childhood? i can’t help blaming him for that although it makes me feel bad.

i would like to say to his family that i am deeply sorry for their loss. i can’t imagine their pain. i wish there was something i could do to ease their pain. i can tell by his picture that he was a good, kind soul. i will live with this tradgedy for the rest of my life and nothing would please me more if i could carry on his spirit. i know he as well was an artist, a musician. i hope to find some way to incorporate the two. there isn’t a day that goes by that i do not think of him. i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my role in his death as i did not mean any harm to him. there was no intention on my part.

11.24.08

last year i found out he broke his neck. i found out through myspace his name was carlos carillo. i spent days googling motorcycle accident sunset blvd november 25 2005 and multiple variations of that to find whatever i could about this person i killed until finally, almost two weeks later, i found this. the police dont give you details. social networking profiles do.

i recognized the face instantly. and the glasses. i picked half those glasses off the ground the following day. just trying to make sense out of things. those glasses and all that blood sprayed off to the curb. and the date of his death made it clear. i had killed an artist. a creative one.

it has become a must tell.

11.23.05

It was another night of the Kiss or Kill Club. This time it was at El Cid on Sunset Blvd in Silverlake. I love the East side. Such a great atmosphere with interesting people. People who go out. People who understand the scene. People who I feel I belong with, even if I am not the hippest.
I was having a great night. I loved my outfit, long skirt, vintage shirt and tall black boots. I felt sexy and I felt alive. I had just come off of a slight break from the scene. The nightlife, and I was ready to have a good time.
It was a special night because it was Johnny 99’s Birthday Celebration. Johnny was the bass player for the band Silver Needle- the reason I went to Kiss or Kill. He is also the co-founder of the club and a brilliant man. He knew a lot of people in the industry. People I hope I would get to know one day.
The Kiss or Kill Club began to form a community for fans and bands to mingle together and it worked. It was certainly the most successful night I had found in Los Angeles, bringing at least 200 people out every show. Not too shabby for a weekly night. To keep getting people out once a week in this town is an amazing feet and I was determined to figure it out.
I was on fire that night. So many people were there and I was in a mingling mood. I couldn’t talk to people long enough, I would have to excuse myself when I spotted somebody else to talk to. Jack Daniel was there with his friend Mike, whom I grew a small crush on that night, only because of his likeness to Buddy, a gay singer-songwriter whos music I adored. My friend Chris was there, who also came out here from Ohio and we met when we both worked for Mike Galaxy up at his Mt Washington home. Chris shares an apartment with Daniel, the lead singer of Silver Needle. I set them up and was so proud of myself for bringing them together. They were a perfect match as roommates and were both very happy with the other. That’s what I like to do. Bring people together to form a perfect match, no matter what the reason be, love, partnership, buddies, working relations, business partners.
To my surprise, Michelle and her boy Jameson showed up as well! Michelle owns the Lava Lounge in Hollywood, a club I help promote on MySpace. We have become very good friends and I respect her highly. She is a great woman who looks nothing like her age, like me.
I had been offered so many drinks that night by various people. The only offer I took was early in the night, Mike and Jack Daniel asked me to take a shot from the Monster Loge set up on the back patio. It was a shot of vodka and Monster. Gave me a warm feeling for a few moments. It was a warm night already, a beautiful clear night. A night you only experience in Los Angeles with its amazing weather made for the stars. I loved these nights and the atmosphere in the air reflected my feelings. I was alive and happy. Things in my life couldn’t be any better. I took a moment on the patio, looking around at all my friends and reveling in my good fortune. So proud to be a part of this night and to know all these people I found so great to be around.
I felt the night had went well. My roommate Siria and I drove separate cars that night, so I told her I was going to take off. I was getting tired and I wanted to end the night on a good note. I was eager to get home to bed. Level and clear headed, alive and on fire, excited and happy, I walked up the stairs to Sunset Blvd. I parked out front, headed East bound on Sunset Blvd. I got in my car, started the engine. Someone had previously smashed my driver side mirror, so I had to turn around to see traffic. I saw one car go by and then I merged out to make a u-turn. My place was westbound. As I pulled out out, I again took a look to my left and that’s when I saw the lights. It was many, many lights staring at me and I saw the motorcycle speeding right at me. Oh my God, I had pulled right out in front of traffic? I don’t know where they came from. I didn’t know what was going on. I froze, knowing that it was best that I stopped moving. All I know is that I saw the man’s face as he recognized that he was going to hit me. I saw him try to jerk to his left as he slammed into my car, hitting the front end of my car on the drivers side. I saw the bike fly to my right about 10 feet and I assumed he was still on it. My car was still running, I wanted to take off, drive away, I didn’t want to deal with what I knew would be hell for me. it was my fault! I was making an illegal u-turn. My car was in the middle of the road facing north. There was no way I was going to get out of this one. I had been caught and there was another person involved. I instantly knew he was dead. I saw it happen. I shut of the engine, it shook in the weight. I went to get out of my car. That’s when I saw his legs outside my window. I opened the door, but could only open it about 5 inches. I could see the pool of blood that came from his head. I tried again to open my door, but I knew I would scrape the top of his face with the door if I pushed any further. His body landed right at my door, stretched out to the west, the way I needed to go. My car ended up facing north in the middle of the street. I had to climb out the passenger door. For me, it was a feet to just get out of the car. I wanted to run. I was still trying to think of ways that I could escape, but I there was a guy already standing at the feet of the motorcycle driver calling 911. I had my phone in my hand and asked him if he was on the phone with 911. He replied yes, so I walked around the north end of my car and looked down at the body, the carnage I had created.
“He’s dead, isn’t he?” I asked the man on the phone and just as he was replying “No, he’s still breathing. He’s hanging on.”, the lifeless body moved proving that what the 911 caller was saying was true. He had blood dripping down his face and a pool of blood coming from his head. I knew, the pool of blood was too much, I knew he was as good as dead. He was not going to survive this. There was no way. He adjusted his right leg, bringing it up towards his body while simultaneously moving his right arm. His body seemed to be all right, the injuries were in his head, which had to be split open with the amount of blood on the ground next to it.
Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! It was all I could think about. My selfish side took over and I was still trying to figure out a way to escape all this. All I wanted to do was flee, run away. Get away from this awful reality. What the fuck was I going to do? I am screwed! My car is in the middle of the street facing the opposite way of the flow of traffic. They would hold me responsible for his death. IT WAS ALL MY FAULT!
I tried to call Siria on the phone, but she didn’t pick up. I needed somebody, I couldn’t do this alone. I started walking back to the El Cid.
“Hey, don’t leave.” He was still on the phone with 911. “I’m just going to go get my friend. She’s inside. I’ll be back.” I started running. Running. It was all I could do. I wanted to keep running, maybe I could run back in the club, have somebody take me home. Say my car was stolen. Maybe I could just keep running and wait for them to try and find me. maybe… no, I want to grow up! Take responsibility for my actions. At 31, I had already decided it was time for me to grow up. What an awful way to have to do it.
I walked in, I know my face showed all the shock I was feeling. I looked around, she wasn’t on the patio. She wasn’t at the front bar. She wasn’t on the floor. Bang Sugar Bang was on stage and people were looking at me funny. I pushed them out of my way. I had only one focus. I found her at the back bar. “Siria, something awful has happened. I hit someone and he is bleeding.” I can’t remember exactly what I said, I was trying to form the right words. I wasn’t doing a very good job. I just wanted her to come look.
She took me over to the other bar on the opposite side, had me suck a lime and drink some water. Then we walked up the stairs. We could hear the sirens, “Hey, are you leaving? There’s police outside. They’re coming to get you.” He thought it was a funny joke. Siria politely disregarded him. I could no longer think straight.
As we made our way out to the accident, the paramedics were already there and had him on the gurney. The first think I noticed was that he was naked. They had cut his clothes off. His helmet was at the side of my car. One of those half helmets to a dual sport motorcycle. No wonder he bleed so much. No wonder he would die.
No wonder I want to die.

Oprah Loves Lockup!

while talking to guest Marion Jones, Oprah exclaims how much she loves MSNBC’s Lockup.
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get yer rocks off!

such a cool flyer.

and another one.

walking is cool. especially a great walk. in la.

rockville, ca

have you heard? rockville, ca is the new echo park.

local hangouts include the rockville, rockvilleplex, rockville film center, rockville curio and the rockville lake. at least we still have the house of spirits.

please forward

 

Salo, el malo
Date:	Nov 3, 2008 7:12 PM
Subject:	If I could​ vote tomor​row I would​ vote for
Body:	After​ long month​s of indec​isive​ness and not witho​ut a good deal of medit​ation​ on the issue​s,​ I just decid​ed John McCai​n would​ be a bette​r Presi​dent.​ Pleas​e,​ befor​e getti​ng angry​ with me, consi​der the follo​wing.​   Econo​my Say your small​ busin​ess is final​ly hitti​ng on the mad cash and next year you are going​ to gross​ $​250K and expan​d to 30 emplo​yees;​ why Papa Gover​nment​ has to punis​h you with highe​r taxes​ inste​ad of encou​rage your entre​prene​urial​ spiri​t with more break​s?​ Obama​ says he won’t​ add any new taxes​ to the middl​e class​ and he is going​ to make up to the Fed by taxin​g hardc​ore every​body makin​g over $​250K.​ Well,​ that’​s the peopl​e that would​ poten​tiall​y give you a job, unles​s you want to work for the gover​nment​,​ or live on welfa​re.​  A polic​y of “​punis​h the rich/​rewar​d the poor”​ is not socia​list.​ It’s downr​ight popul​ist manip​ulati​on.​  Energ​y Saudi​ Arabi​a,​ the world​’​s bigge​st oil produ​cer with over 9 milli​on barre​ls a day, is quick​ly runni​ng out of reser​ves.​ The Unite​d State​s of Ameri​ca carri​es under​ Alask​an soil one of the large​st oil reser​ves in the world​.​ If we don’​t start​ explo​ring and drill​ing in the next 4 years​,​ in 40 years​ we’​ll be bangi​ng our heads​ again​st a wall wonde​ring why in hell we didn’​t do it. If we don’​t drill​ and explo​re now, our count​ry is going​ to lose,​ not only the golde​n oppor​tunit​y of achie​ving energ​y indep​enden​ce,​ but also the only chanc​e we have to, in a near futur​e,​ lead the world​’​s oil indus​try,​ while​ the OPEC count​ries dry out. Israe​l,​ plans​ to becom​e compl​etely​ green​ and indep​enden​t from oil in 20 years​.​ That’​s a count​ry with a popul​ation​ of 7 milli​on.​ Imagi​ne how long will take us! We need to buy some time while​ our energ​y compa​nies devel​op such desir​ed capac​ity.​  Middl​e East Remem​ber when day after​ day, you would​ turn on the news and see in horro​r how 20, 30, 40 peopl​e died in a terro​rist attac​k in Iraq the day befor​e?​ That was a year ago. You don’​t see that as much today​,​ do you? That’​s becau​se Gener​al Petra​eus intel​ligen​ce strat​egy for the Middl​e East is worki​ng.​ I still​ think​ it was a mista​ke to invad​e Iraq,​ but today​ we canno​t,​ as a count​ry,​ affor​d to not win this war, espec​ially​ when we are so close​ to do so. Obama​ is talki​ng about​ some new war enter​prise​,​ this time in Pakis​tan,​ and sendi​ng more troop​s to Afgha​nista​n,​ contr​adict​ing Gener​al Petre​aus prove​n-​succe​ssful​ strat​egy.​ Don’​t think​ that I would​n’t laugh​ in utter​ joy had I the pleas​ure of seein​g every​ singl​e last anti-​Zioni​st Arab Leade​r neck-​hangi​ng from a rope just as Sadda​m Husse​in,​ but we mustn​’t forge​t the most impor​tant milit​ary lesso​n of WWII:​ a count​ry can’​t fight​ in two front​s and win both.​ Obama​ wants​ to fight​ 3. How can the Comma​nder in Chief​ of the world​’s most power​ful natio​n be so naive​?​ It’​ll be Ameri​ca’​s demis​e to be seen as a weak playe​r in forei​gn polic​y . Educa​tion The first​ time I learn​t about​ the vouch​er syste​m was on NPR, 3 years​ ago. All Thing​s Consi​dered​ had a note on how Swede​n was movin​g acros​s from State​ Contr​olled​ educa​tion to a less regul​ated vouch​er syste​m.​ Swede​n!​ A 50-​year-​old Socia​list Democ​racy,​ consi​dered​ one of the most progr​essiv​e count​ries in the world​.​ A vouch​er syste​m allow​s,​ both publi​c and priva​te schoo​ls to impro​ve learn​ing throu​gh free compe​titio​n and gives​ the paren​ts the choic​e to send their​ child​ren to a schoo​l they consi​der bette​r.​ If the paren​t choic​e is to send their​ child​ren to a close​r to home but not very good schoo​l,​ well,​ at least​ is the paren​t’s choic​e,​ not the State​’​s.​ Swede​n did it becau​se they reali​zed that they were stand​ardiz​ing medio​crity​ and ineff​icien​cy in their​ educa​tion syste​m.​ McCai​n’​s Plan for Educa​tion inclu​des vouch​ers.​  — Speak​ing of child​ren.​ How many pictu​res of Barac​k O. holdi​ng the baby and kissi​ng the old lady have you seen?​ I grew up in South​ Ameri​ca,​ more speci​fic in Venez​uela.​ I mean,​ we inven​ted demag​ogy down there​,​ so excus​e me if I sneer​ in distr​ust!​  Abort​ion and Gay right​s Both candi​dates​ hold prett​y much the same posit​ion.​ The diffe​rence​,​ I must say, is that in this elect​ion the churc​h freak​ is not the Repub​lican​.​ … I’m not quite​ an Ameri​can yet, thus I can’t​ vote.​ But I am an Ameri​can by choic​e and I care,​ so tomor​row pleas​e vote . Whate​ver your choic​e may be, it can’t​ be worse​ than Bush.​  Or can it?< S el M

fuck obama